We all have broken minds. It’s a part of being human. Now it’s what we choose to do with our beautiful broken minds that makes or breaks a lifetime. I consider myself to be a warrior of sorts in fighting the broken mind after doing it for so long, so let’s see what I’ve discovered. Looking back at my childhood, I remember looking out my window upon waking and wondering what I was doing here. On earth. On this odd place where no one really shares their thoughts or inner selves. Where nothing seems real and nothing makes sense. I specifically remember thinking that other kids my age were not thinking about these things- they were thinking about clothes, hair, boys, etc. I felt like a weirdo with my strange thoughts and kept them to myself for a long time. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, yet I tried my best to fit in. To be liked. To succeed. And you know what? It was exhausting and depressing as hell. I wanted so badly to be just like everybody else and it didn’t fucking work. It seemed as though Life, The Universe, God, whatever created this beautiful mess had something to teach me through all of these never-ending hardships, but what? What? I begged and begged for my reason for being here; on a planet where I just didn’t fit in, but the answers were slow in coming. The answers don’t come in a booming voice, visiting angel or a burning bush (at least not for me). No, I’ve found that the answers come from our experiences. Over the years, we take action or take no action at all and we begin to see a pattern. Or we finally realize how destructive we are being to ourselves and others. Some of us become so self-destructive that we nearly die, wish for death, or actually commit suicide. That is how hard living with a broken mind can be. It makes you wonder if all the bullshit is actually even worth it. I’m here to say, yes. Yes, it is.

I believe all of us have a spark in our hearts that wants to become a fire. A fiery passion for embracing all that surrounds us and all that is us. So much in this life is a show and I think we are yearning deeply for what is behind the curtain. What is real. Truth. For me, the starting point for my tiny spark that somehow managed to flicker, was getting sober. Getting wasted and losing my mind was not getting me any answers and it became an awful, never-ending cycle of psychological pain. For a good 12 years I medicated myself with alcohol and drugs. It got me through the day. For a long time, the party kept me going. Until it didn’t anymore. I finally reached a point where I had to make a change. Make a choice. Live or die. And like I said, my little spark chose life.

Well, I’m here to say that being sober doesn’t fix a damn thing without daily spiritual maintenance. Drinking was just part of my problem. I was an anxious, angry, hopeless, depressed individual before the booze, so taking away my “medicine” was not going to be a simple cure. Not at all. There was work to be done. So. Much. Work. And that work continues today. Every day. I cannot survive, yet alone thrive, on not drinking alone. As I mentioned earlier, I have a broken mind and I am okay with that today. I see how far I have come and I know what works for and benefits my mind today. I am beginning to think that this whole life thing is a way we can make our broken minds whole again. Make us whole again. I lived with fractions of myself hidden for so very long and that is one sad and tiring way to live. I think when we are not authentically who we are, pain results. And over many years of living like this, there is a lot of pain. Pain that manifests in psychological disorders, neuroses and physical disease. Our minds are extremely powerful no matter how broken. The state of your mind is creating your life and how you perceive and experience your life. Your mind needs to be cultivated and cared for just like anything else. What you pay attention to and care for lovingly will grow. Change. Become beautiful.

When my mind was at it’s worst, all I saw was darkness. I saw ugliness everywhere, but mostly in the mirror. My broken mind hated itself and it wasn’t until I surrendered to a new way of living that my healing could begin; that a search for my truest self could unfurl into what has been the journey of a lifetime. As each year passes, I feel myself growing in so many ways. I am more myself than ever and there is a freedom in that which brings such a lightness to being alive. Who would have thought that just being your own damn freaky weirdo self could be so very enlightening? I have no shame in what has occurred in my years of destruction and healing. It has all brought me to right now, which is a present that I never dreamt possible.

As for daily practices that keep my mind joyful and bright while seeking the magic of life, I would have to say that meditation and kundalini yoga have been my go to these days. Taking the time EVERY SINGLE DAY to get quiet and go within, or move my body and chant has been the mind altering experience I think I was looking for back in my party days. I was looking for a magical, mystical life, but vodka tonics just don’t deliver that. Sorry. My daily practice is a non-negotiable. Sometimes, I do it after taking the boys to school, or if things are crazy, I’ll fit it in after cleaning up dinner. You have to do something that works for you and makes you feel good. A little more centered. A little more whole. For me, I am finding that Kundalini yoga is bringing me back to myself. My true self. Which is all I ever really wanted. To be me.

My wish for you is that you find a way to heal your heart and mind and live a life that gets you excited and grateful to be alive. Since so much of my life was spent being lost in darkness, I feel a need to let others know that things can change so dramatically. I hardly recognize the girl I see in old pictures, but I have so much compassion for her. She made it through the trenches. The trenches her mind most likely created to survive. Have compassion for yourself as you heal. Your mind won’t always be broken. The fractions of your mind will come together and then expand into the glorious reality that was here all along. You just have some work to do. Some growing pains to get through to experience it. You’ll get there. I promise.

*By the term “Broken Mind,” I am referring to the way our minds can cause self-destruction in a myriad ways throughout a lifetime. Things happen to us and have lasting effects. Our minds become addicted, anxious, fearful, aggressive, submissive, obsessive, neurotic, apathetic, depressed, indecisive and the list goes on. When we start engaging in various healing modalities, these broken mind attributes lessen and a crisper, clearer perspective and experience are then possible. There are so many ways to work on your healing. If anyone reading is curious about kundalini yoga, which I had no idea about before last summer, I recommend checking out Ra Ma Tv (rama-tv.com). I believe there is a 14 day free trial if you’re interested in checking it out. There are endless classes and weekly livestreams, and you can subscribe for only $15 a month. So cheap and there is endless content. Guru Jagat is the founder and a teacher on Ra Ma Tv and her classes are dynamite (lots of other great teachers, too!) If you are searching for something new on your spiritual journey, go try a class and see how you feel. Remember, doing nothing to change, doesn’t change a thing. The life force within you needs to move. A stagnant body and mind is basically a petri dish growing a whole lot of bullshit and negativity. You deserve better. Don’t you? The answer is yes!

Have a beautiful day!

*Below are some quotes I found on Pinterest and from an IG friend, @brandy_pq

Ps. I wrote this right after watching A Star Is Born. It really got me thinking, huh? 😉