Our pain serves a purpose. There is something our soul needs to learn. To observe. To understand. To feel and witness. Stop running from the pain deep within you. It will slowly destroy you in a multitude of ways when you run or stuff it deep down where you think it can’t find you. But it will ALWAYS find you. Because it’s a part of you. It became a part of you when the initial pain was experienced. The pain, when felt, will not destroy you like you think it will. Quite the opposite. The tears you will shed are the soul cleansing itself. Letting go of the pain. Feeling it all is the only way to true and total freedom.

There are so many ways in which life tries to distract you from your pain, and we humans naturally latch onto these distractions with all of our might. Many times, addiction overcomes us and we become unable to free ourselves from our distraction of choice. For some, its alcohol and drugs. For others, it could be food, sex, work or shopping. Some souls are sicker than others, and this can lead to disease. I, personally, suffer from from a disease of the mind and body called alcoholism. Alcohol and drugs were what I chose to numb my pain. They worked for a while until they didn’t; until they brought me so much pain and suffering that I began to feel that death might be a better option than this life thing.

Addiction isolates you. Makes you feel utterly alone. Like nobody understands you and nobody ever will. It attaches to your soul and will not let go without a fight. My disease wanted me dead and I got pretty close to obliging. However, there was a very dim light deep inside me that still burned and wasn’t quite ready to give up. This light helped me to cry out one night, begging whatever God/Spirit was listening to Please Help Me. Please Help Me. Please, God, Help Me. That moment of surrender was the first step. I had no idea at the time that getting sober was going to be the answer for me. I had no clue that drinking all the time was the reason my life was absolute shit. I thought if I could just find the right guy and live happily ever after, my life would naturally come together, magically and organically (yikes). It blows me away that I really thought some man I found in a bar would see my fantastic drunk self one night and simply realize that he couldn’t live without me. I looked for my soulmate everywhere. Always thinking, maybe tonight’s the night that everything changes. You see, I believed that everything could change in an instant, but I didn’t get that the change had to come from within, not from some dude proposing to me or asking me to move in with him and his adorable dog (which never actually happened, mind you). Duh.

It wasn’t long after crying out for help, that I found myself at an NA meeting with a friend who had just gotten out of rehab. She looked amazing. Her energy was amazing. She was joyful and full of faith. In essence, she was a completely different person from the one I knew a month prior. I was in awe of her, and after going to that meeting together, I had the feeling that maybe this could be the answer for me, too. I was completely miserable and out of options, so I decided to go to another meeting the next day. And the next. And that’s how my recovery began. It’s now 13 years later and I’m still recovering. One day at a time, as we like to say. You can never really stop recovering your soul. Recovery is a lifetime journey. And while that may seem daunting and unfair, I can assure you that in time your feelings will change. As you heal from your addiction, your spirit grows in unimaginable ways. Your heart grows and expands. You are no longer the grinch with that tiny pulsating heart. Instead, you’re a nice human with a heart bursting with joy, hope and love. You will feel GRATITUDE for maybe the first time in quite a while.

Being clean and sober is a fucking beautiful thing, and that’s one truth I never thought would come out of this sick mind. In sobriety, you get to see and experience all of the light that the booze and drugs obscured from view. That being said, I am not here to say that everybody who drinks or smokes weed is an addict or has a problem. Not my place. I’ve seen plenty of weirdos leave restaurants with wineglasses or beers half full. That kind of “normal” drinking behavior always blew my mind. A barely there buzz was never my desire. Nope. Never. Not this girl. However, if you are pondering the idea that MAYBE drinking or getting high is a problem for you, big or small, you could always take a break and see how it feels. See how life changes. See how YOU change. And if you try to stop and discover that you can’t, you are in luck, because there are millions of us who can’t do it ourselves, and we get together and help each other live. It’s the best miracle I’ve seen so far. We are the miracles. But the miracle only happens when you join others. That’s the magic of it all.

Not gonna lie, it can be annoying at first. I hated everyone for a while, until one day I realized I loved them. It was the strangest thing. But now I’d do anything for these people, simply because I want them to LIVE. Why? Because they helped me LIVE. Recovery isn’t some kind of tragic life sentence to a lousy, boring life. If it was, I’d be out partying or just end it all. But, nope, turns out being sober and full of love and light is the fucking shit, ya’ll. Yup. Is it challenging? Yes. Are there really shitty days? You bet. Can it be lonely and sad at times? Of course. Sobriety has presented it’s fair share of struggles and tough times, but the good things, the great things, the totally freaking magical things have always way surpassed the dark side. Which, when we take a closer look, isn’t a dark side at all; it’s just our pain bubbling up to the surface after being drowned and stuffed down for so many years. When you get sober, you get to feel shit again, and at a whole new level. Yes, getting sober is one hell of a leveling up in the spiritual growth game.

For those of you just starting off on your sober journey, congrats and welcome! It is a life altering decision that I have found way more beneficial than any mood altering drink or drug. And thanks to recovery groups being EVERYWHERE, I can say with conviction that you will never be alone. There are people who will love you until you begin to love yourself. I experienced this first hand. My self-hatred ran so deep and so strong, but I found angels in the rooms of AA. They held me up and loved me through my messy early recovery. That first year was a shitshow of emotions, and I didn’t know if I would make it. I almost gave up at around 7 months because I thought I was a hopeless case. I just didn’t think the recovery process was capable of fixing a disaster like me. But then something happened. I shared some scary stuff with my sponsor, and she told me to go to a meeting and share what I told her with the group. She was always telling me that sharing our thoughts has a way of taking away some of their power over us. I listened to her suggestion and I let it all out in that meeting. How I didn’t want to be there. How I couldn’t stand most of them in the room. How I thought death might be a better idea because nothing was working for my crazy ass. And you know what? They said, “Thanks for sharing,” and “Keep coming back.” What?! They were sweet and kind and just wanted me to return. It was kind of mind boggling. I told them during my rant to leave me alone after the meeting and don’t try to hug me or come up to me because I wasn’t in the mood for that sappy shit, and they respected my wishes.

I left the meeting on that rainy night and cried the whole way home, feeling sad and sorry for myself. I think I felt some relief after letting out my emotional diarrhea, but the pity party was still in full swing. What happened the following morning I could never have foreseen, being in such a dark state of mind. I woke up and saw the sun shining. I heard birds chirping. I grabbed some coffee and headed to work with a bounce in my step. What the freaking hell?! I was in total and complete shock at what I was feeling.  I had this overpowering feeling that I WANTED TO LIVE.

I truly had this feeling of wanting to be here on this planet, and to see this life through. There was sunshine in my soul that morning and it blew me away, as the night before I was seriously considering death the better option. That change of mind? That change of perception? That’s a miracle, choosing life over death is a miracle, and I am forever grateful for that change of heart.  The ultimate gift was bestowed on me that morning, the gift of grace.  I was so grateful to have the desire to live placed in my heart once again. I thanked God/Universe/Great Spirit/Source and got to work. This sober life takes vigilance and effort, but the rewards are well worth it. I found my soul again. I found some peace. I found true friends and connection with others. I found love. I found things that I enjoyed doing besides partying. Hobbies! Interests! A love of nature and spirituality. My heart broke wide open and I could breathe again.

Thirteen years have gone by and I regret none of this. I’ve been married for over a decade. I’m a mom to 2 amazing boys, which is all I ever wanted. I have a home full of pets, plants and books, which fill me with joy everyday. I have food and shelter. Friends. Love. Happiness. Serenity. And so much more. I honestly don’t miss alcohol at all. Not one little bit. I love feeling it ALL. I love not wasting any of my days on this beautiful planet sick and hungover. I love seeing life in technicolor everyday. I love being sober. It’s total freedom. And because I value this freedom, I continue to do the work necessary to maintain this lifestyle. Spiritual work. There are many spiritual paths and I don’t claim to be an expert on what will work for you. Different things work for different people. The 12 Steps and the people in the rooms saved me. There’s a good chance they could save you, too.

If you want to change things up a bit, put down the bottle for a while. Clear your head and body. See what happens and how you feel. A whole new life is what I found. A pretty magical life that I still can’t believe is mine some days. And if this is your desire, I’m praying for you. There IS another way of life. You just have to make a choice and BEGIN. That pain you are feeling or numbing out? Maybe it’s paving the way to a new life. A wise person once told me, “As long as you’re still breathing, there’s hope.” You never know what a new day will bring. Sometimes it changes everything. One choice can change the course of a lifetime. May we all make choices that lead to greater freedom and joy. Life has it’s ups and downs, but I believe in the power of Love, and the power of US. Together we can Change, Grow and Serve. Much love to all who have taken the time to read this super long and winding post. If it resonated with just one of you, then I am grateful.