I know it doesn’t mean a lot to some people, but the start of new year has always been big for me. Being sober, it’s not about the partying anymore, it goes deeper. It’s a time to reflect. Look within. Who have I been and who do I want to be going forward? I get excited about the possibilities and what’s coming my way. The new year is like a mystery that is about to unfold and no year is like the one before it. I love the not-knowing. Anything can happen. The fact that a mysterious, unknown, uncertain future lies waiting before me is inspiring. It wakes up my soul that tends to get sleepy.

As I get up there in years, the awe of being alive grows and grows. I remember quite vividly the first time I wanted to die. It was immediately after my first day of high school. I don’t even think anything terrible happened, but I just recall feeling so alone and sad and like I just didn’t want to be here. This planet was not for me. This being human thing sucked and disappearing began to seem like a good idea. It blows my mind how I was so young and had absolutely no hope for the future. Dying seemed like a better option than growing up. I have written a lot about my depression and alcoholism in previous posts, so I’m not going to recap it all here. I am just reminding myself, at nearly 48 years old, that at 14, I was ready to give up and go.

Can I tell you how grateful I am that I didn’t give up and kept going? Things got dark and ugly and frightening, but by the grace of God, I made it through to the other side. I remember vividly the morning I woke up and wanted to live. After getting sober and still struggling, I began to believe again that no matter what I did, I was going to be miserable and depressed and wish for death. After sharing my feelings about how hopeless I was and how AA wasn’t working for me, I drove home, prayed to God and cried myself to sleep. Now this is where awe and wonder enter the scene. I woke up, and to my surprise, I had this overwhelming desire to stay alive. The sun was shining, I was driving to work, and I could not believe what my mind was telling me. My mind, which had been telling me to die for years, had suddenly and miraculously changed and wanted to live. I was shook. Like seriously wtf. Yesterday I was planning my death and today the sunshine is beautiful and the birds are singing songs of joy? How? How did this happen? I think God had something to do with it. He answered my prayers. I wanted to be alive and see what would happen. This was an unbelievable feeling for me. A whole new world opened up for me at that moment. I woke up to wonder, to magic, to all the possibilities that I never let myself dream of before. I experienced a miracle. I wanted to stay.

Life has brought me so much happiness over the years, but it has also brought darkness and tears that I thought would never end. However, through it all, I continue to appreciate this life that has been given to me and wish to live it as fully as I possibly can. No matter what life throws my way, I will make it through. The darkness no longer has a hold on me like it once did. I love being alive and the twists and turns of each new year fascinate and delight this soul of mine. I came here to learn, and damn, I’ve learned a lot. This life has been one big cram session for my soul and I know I signed up for it. I asked for all of it- the good, the bad and the ugly. The challenges are the only way you grow, so embrace them, because they are coming your way whether you like it or not.

This year I will continue to look for beauty in the chaos. We live on a rock that is floating through the cosmos. We are souls on a journey we do not understand. Our existence is short and fleeting, so let’s search for the magic while we can. WE are ALIVE. We are here. Another year is upon us. How lucky are we?

Happy 2025. Let us keep becoming who we came here to be. Love and blessings to all. And so it is.