Self-love has not come easy for me in this lifetime. Neither has romantic love, happiness, fulfillment, prosperity, and a thousand other things. I’ve come to the long overdue realization that it’s not supposed to come easy. I didn’t come into this body for it all to be easy peasy pumpkin pie. I came here for the nitty gritty, balls to the wall kind of life that wrings you dry and leaves you breathless because my soul wanted it. Wanted to grow. Wanted to go through and grow through a shitload of darkness to find the light at the other side. Now it can be a mighty dark tunnel to go through, mind you, but if you keep going no matter what, you eventually make it to the other side. Dark nights of the soul are insanely brutal, but they do seem to play a significant role in our awakening. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I made it to where I am when I think back to where I used to be. It’s mind-blowing, really. It feels like I’ve lived multiple lifetimes in just this one. My soul wanted growth and my soul has not been disappointed.

I hate to admit it, but I’ve cursed this existence a million times more than I’ve prayed for or blessed it. For decades, I felt like I was cursed, so why not give darkness right back to life and all those around me? Nobody really knew me, so how could they love me as they so assuredly proclaimed? I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t trust myself. I spent so many years lost and wandering and wondering if there was a point or meaning to any of it. How could there be? Each day sucked more than the last and I was just a fraud, faking it and not making it in a screwed up world, where nobody seemed authentic or interested in what the hell we were actually doing here. I felt like an alien in a strange land for the longest time and I sometimes still do. A common thing I used to hear in the rooms of AA was that most of us suffered from what they called “terminal uniqueness.” I heard that and it resonated with me. I think that’s one reason I felt so at home in those rooms for many years. We were all just lost humans who didn’t feel like we belonged anywhere and after hitting bottom with alcohol, we found each other and we weren’t alone anymore. The solidarity and love I felt with my motley crew of sober friends was like nothing I had ever experienced. I could be myself with them and they loved me anyway. They loved me until I could start to love myself and that was the beginning of my truest recovery–the recovery of self-love. With the soft murmur of self-love bubbling up in my once shriveled heart, I began to feel hope again, hope that I would be okay and maybe even have a life I never dreamt possible if I just kept going, one freaking day at a time.

What self-love looked like then and what it looks like today has changed a lot. I think that’s normal and it should change. Hopefully, we get better and better at it.  I like to think of self-love as a muscle and if I don’t work at it every day, it atrophies. I have a lust for life today and feeling alive is my drug of choice. I am determined to become the best version of myself and to feel free af while doing it. I believe that I am here to be fully awake and alive and I will do whatever it takes to get myself there. For me, it’s my daily spiritual practice and it’s a non-negotiable (most days, anyway). Meditation and kundalini yoga make me feel good. I’ve done a lot of healing over the years and I feel like I’ve peeled off layer after layer of protective covering from my soul and I can finally just be me. I don’t have to hide anything or pretend anymore. It feels amazing to just be yourself and be happy with who you are, flaws and all. I love myself because I am a messy, imperfect human who has fought her entire life to get where she is and she’s not stopping now. I see the strength of my determined spirit and I love that about me. If you think that sounds arrogant, that’s fine, because I know who I am and your thoughts about me are none of business. My self-love renders me whole and no external judgments can take that away. Talk about freedom.

So how has self-love changed the way I maneuver myself in this crazy world? Well, I take care of myself today. Like really good care of myself, which means I take care of my mind, body and soul every day. I acknowledge the Divine within me and this relatively new acknowledgment has definitely been the tipping point from self-liking to self-loving. Source created me and for that reason alone, I am worthy of love. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of truth, beauty, purpose and fulfillment. My existence is not just some random happening. I am here for a reason, and believing in the meaning of my life has given me an intense drive to explore and expand the life force that is me. People don’t always get it or like it, but I will not compromise my sanity, peace, or growth because it’s why I’m here. It would be going against my most authentic self to live any other way. I spent many years traveling down the murky road of self-denial and it was necessary to get me where I am today. I learned a lot through my pain. I still do. Pain makes you take notice, and either you make changes or you adapt to a life with soul crippling pain, which in my opinion, is one hell of a heartbreaking waste of a lifetime.

My self-love is hardcore. Accepting and honoring the fact that my sweet soul, neatly wrapped up in skin, blood and bones, is worthy of love and all the blessings has truly been a transformative revelation. I am deserving. I am inherently good. I work hard. I give my all and do my best each day. I love my people with all I’ve got. That’s not bragging, friends, it’s just me being honest about me. Why are we so programmed to put ourselves down and doubt our every move? Why do we think we are more likable if we are less than? It’s maddening and complete bullshit. We are all unique configurations of divine energy, so how about we start acting like it? This life is such a gift. You, too, are a gift. Open yourself up and give what you’ve got to give. It’s why you came here, so please stop hiding and show us your magic. We need it and we need you.

As my self-love has grown, I find myself unwilling to play mind games or engage in toxic patterns and relationships. Just because someone has been in my life for 20 years doesn’t mean I owe them the next 20. I don’t owe anybody anything and neither do you. You do, however, owe yourself some long overdue love and respect (I’m just guessing here). I am a fierce protector of my heart, soul and energy, so I will put up boundaries if that is what’s needed. Sometimes, it’s so very sad and painful, but you will know if you did the right thing by how you feel afterward. Trust your heart. It always knows what’s best, but we have a stupid tendency not to listen. We humans are a stubborn lot. We like to repeat lessons over and over and over again.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately), a side effect of my blossoming self-love has been the shrinking of my social circle. I’m super picky about who I want around me and I’m more than okay with just a handful of friends (ok, a very small hand with maybe 3 fingers). As an introvert, I’m into quality over quantity. That’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy having more friends. Moving so much has just made things a bit more difficult. It’s not as easy to make new friends when you’re 43, at least it’s not for this hermit. And to be honest, I’ve been deeply hurt by people who supposedly loved me, so perhaps I’m just not wanting to open my heart at the moment. Relating is hard, tricky stuff. Definitely not my strong suit, but I’m working on it.

When your self-love is really activated, you want what’s best for you and your life, and you do whatever it takes to get yourself there. You see your worth and you no longer settle. You make hard choices and take daily actions to align yourself with your dreams and goals. You take yourself and your life seriously, but not too seriously. You see your beauty and light and want to share it with others in some capacity. I believe each one of us is here to give of ourselves in some way. We all have different gifts to share and that’s the beauty of being human. Whether you believe it or not, I’m here to tell you that you’ve got something to give. And when you start giving what only you can give, you will feel more alive than you ever have before, and your joy, peace and love will flow outward and affect the world in a positive way. What you embody overflows to those around you. As a wife and mother, this has become so very apparent to me. When I am happy and in my flow, so is my family. When I’m angry, sad, confused and hurting, my family ends up taking on that energy, too. Our energy affects others and their energy affects us in return. That’s just how it works. That’s why we have to strengthen and protect our energy–that’s a huge part of self-love. I protect myself so that the energy I give my family is positive, joyful and nurturing (most days, anyways). When I love myself well, I love them well. My self-love is the farthest thing from selfish. I love myself so I can love them. And you.

Self-love is never selfish. Like Whitney Houston told us in 1986, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. Even though she knew the truth, she struggled, too. It’s a tough practice to maintain in a screwy world, but self-love is where it all begins. Without self-love, our lives are fraught with confusion, heartbreak and the endless, hopeless search for an external love that never quite quenches the heart’s thirst the way self-love can. It has taken me most of my life to truly love myself. It seems to be a lifelong mission, so no judgment from me if you find yourself struggling. I’ve been a slow bloomer this time around and I’m okay with that. I just wanted to share my experience and maybe something resonates with you. And maybe not. It’s all okay. We are all on different journeys and it’s my deepest hope that we all become who we came here to be, and that we end up loving ourselves all the way home.