Taking meds to survive in a crazy world is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve been on an antidepressant since I was 15. You know it’s a messed up world when a sweet 15 year old girl doesn’t think she has it in her to live in it anymore (okay, maybe sweet isn’t exactly the right word). Sure, genetics plays a part and depression has definitely run in my family, but I won’t blame them here. I don’t care to blame anyone, to be honest. Blaming doesn’t solve any problems, taking action does. And sometimes the action we need to take is taking our meds. Regularly. As prescribed. Proudly. Loudly. However, even as I write this, there’s a part of me feeling icky about Big Pharma and how our country has become a nation of pill poppers listening blindly to doctors prescribing an array of pretty colored pills to stay alive instead of taking actions to heal in other more organic ways, such as exercise, diet, meditation, exposure to nature, etc. While doctors are necessary and good and save lives every day, they are not the only way to total health. We have to take an active part in our healing. We have to participate. I believe that if we take better care of our bodies and minds, they won’t crumble and fall apart so easily, which we all know is quite profitable for the pharmaceutical industry. Our staying sick makes a lot of people rich. They don’t want you to heal. You have to want to heal yourself. That’s the only way to really change your health and your life.

Obviously, I don’t really care if people know that I take an antidepressant everyday. But is there is a small part of me that wishes I didn’t have to take it? Yes. Have I tried to go off it numerous times in the last 27 years? Yes. Did each of those times end up horribly? Yes. May I try again to go off them at some point? Probably. I would love to be med free, and I am doing all that I can to help my brain in addition to the medication I take. I am not ashamed of taking medication, but I do believe that there is a possibility of living without  it some day. This world is hard to live in. There is a lot of scary shit going on and the fast paced way of life many of us have adopted is tough on our nervous system. We live in stressful times. The pressure is on and there is no end in sight. We humans have messed up a lot of things and I think we are cracking, hence the billion dollar pharmaceutical industry. We don’t quite know how to live in this technological era, fraught with ever more electronics and lessening human contact and community. We overeat, we drink, we do drugs, we shop, we numb out; we basically do whatever we can to survive. But are the majority of us thriving? I don’t think so and that makes me sad. Do I think we can turn things around and become joyful participants in this miracle of life once again? Absofuckinglutely.

First off, we have to remember and acknowledge that we are spiritual beings in a human body. We have souls. Our souls need to be cared for just as much as our hearts and lungs and skin. Maybe even more. How do we care for our souls? We meditate, spend time alone in nature or writing in a journal, we put the electronics down and look our family in the eyes, we read uplifting books, we do something creative like writing, painting, knitting, or gardening, we do yoga (kundalini every day!), we cook delicious meals as we listen to music we love, we play with our children and give them lots of hugs and kisses, we love on our animals, we look at the moon and stars, sunrises and sunsets. We do whatever we can to remove ourselves from the insanity of life and find solace in the beauty around us and the peace that exists within us. The secret is that you have to become very still and quiet sometimes to find it. This world has done whatever it can to make it nearly impossible for us to be quiet and still and alone, and that is not by chance. It is when you are alone and looking within that you will find your true power and peace of mind, and then you become free. You are not so easy to control when you are free. Remember that. I don’t want to be controlled, so I work on my freedom every day. Every damn day. Is it always easy and convenient? No, but I do it anyway because I feel happier and more alive as I experience my ever growing sovereignty. Merriam Webster defines sovereignty as “freedom from external control: AUTONOMY.” I love this word so much and I am devoting my life to experiencing as much of it as possible.

We have been conditioned in so many ways since birth and I’ve spent the last 15 years slowly deconditioning myself. It has been an eye opening process, as well as a heart opening one. The majority of my pain came from believing that I wasn’t enough or good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough or talented enough. I just always felt like I was lacking as a human, when in reality, I was perfect just the way I was. It took me a long time to realize and accept that I am okay, flaws and all, and that I am meant to be here on this crazy and beautiful planet. I have a purpose here, and while I am still figuring out what that is, I am preparing myself daily. I am making myself stronger and more in touch with my heart and soul. That is how it all unfolds and eventually reveals itself. I am getting closer to finding my purpose, but I’m not there yet.  I do think sharing my story is one way to be of service. Expressing my creativity through my writing is one way to work on my soul while sharing it with others. I think the world needs more people sharing their souls. The world needs more soul. Period.

As usual, my thoughts have meandered and gone their own way, which is fine and good. It’s always interesting to see what comes out as I sit here and type away. What is the takeaway here? Well, I think it’s to be unapologetically yourself and to do whatever you need to do to stay here and keep growing. I am on an antidepressant and it’s saved my life many times, but the soul searching and soul growth is on me. I have to do the work. My paxil won’t get me closer to God, my soul or my purpose, it just keeps me from totally self destructing. My brain has some chemical issues and my meds just kind of keep things running more smoothly, like oil in my car. That’s how I like to think of it. Evolving as a human being takes a lot more than ingesting medication. Maybe as we evolve as a species, things will change so much on this planet that we won’t need our antidepressants to keep us from committing suicide or living lives of pure misery. I’d love to see the start of such a world before it’s my time to go. I have hope, despite all the darkness in this world. My light is still shining and I see your’s, too. Ok, enough out of me. Time to go meditate and take my meds.