Somewhere in my teen years, negative thoughts and feelings began to wear deep and darkening grooves in my neural pathways. Because of my depression and other issues, my mind just played gloom and doom on repeat. These negative thought patterns became what I identified with. I became one with what I was thinking all the damn time. These were some of my many recurring dark thoughts: I am worthless. I am stupid. I am ugly. I am going nowhere. I am fat. I am a loser. I am unwanted. Nobody knows who I am. I am an outsider. I will never fit in anywhere. I don’t belong here. Life is meaningless. Life is pain and suffering. I just want to die. I focused a lot on death and how wonderful it would be to be free from this place. I saw and felt no real joy. Any happiness or good time usually occurred under the influence of something or other, and my apparent joy was always fleeting and followed by a negative swirl of self-deprecation.

I lived the party life for a long time, but the party wasn’t really all that fun. Maybe in the beginning, but that didn’t last. Not for me, anyway. I was choosing to live an unconscious life until the booze took hold of me and wouldn’t let go. The alcohol took over my physical body and my spirit began to dwindle away. Luckily for me, I made it into a recovery program that saved my life. I wrote about this in an earlier blogpost, so feel free to read all about it. This post, however, is about the power of our thinking and how we can train ourselves to think better, happier, more joyful and constructive thoughts. Thoughts that will help make our days and the days of those around us a little brighter. You don’t have to be sober or a recovering addict to be suffering from negative thought patterns. In my experience, there are a ton of humans out there who just LOVE focusing on all the bad and negative shit. They seem to thrive on it, really. I think getting riled up with anger can be a certain high of its own. Your adrenaline starts to pump. You feel powerful. You feel less inhibited and say things you wouldn’t normally, just because you are so freaking angry that you just don’t care. In the moment, that is. After your angry blowup, you probably feel like a real asshole. Because that is exactly what you were. I can say this with no qualms because I spent many years as an angry person who blew up at people, caused scenes, threw shit and even physically hurt myself and others. Am I proud of my behavior? No. It sickens me. But am I glad that my head is clear now and I can remember who I was back then? Yes. I don’t ever want to forget what I was and what I am capable of as an unconscious, blackout drunk.

So back to the thoughts we think. First of all, I am not here to say that life is 100% roses and rainbows. There is undoubtedly a ton of darkness in our world right now, but we don’t have to add to it with our shitty attitudes and nasty behavior toward others. Yes, life is totally annoying at times. And scary. And stupid. And there are tons of annoying, scary and not so bright people out there. But guess what? We don’t have to be one of them. Yay! Now that I am a fully functioning adult, who takes her meds and takes good care of herself and her family, I no longer wish to be the bitter, depressed, sad sack of a human that I used to be. I want to be happy and positive and contribute to other people in my life, rather than zap them of whatever joy or energy they currently hold. Our thoughts create our energy and our energy actively affects those around us. Have you ever hung out with someone and they are super sad and talking about all the crap that is happening to them all the time, and when you leave their presence, you feel kinda meh? That’s because your energy was affected by their energy. Energy is transferable. What you surround yourself with can become a part of you. People can suck you of your energy, so be aware of who you choose to connect with. We all know energy vampires who have no problem sucking you dry, and that is where boundaries come into play.  I will save boundaries for another day, but basically, you are in control of who and what you allow into your space and mind.

My mind is currently rather strong, and I’ve worked toward this mental strength and clarity for a long time. One of my very first lessons in changing my negative thought spirals happened in early sobriety. My amazing sponsor at the time told me that I needed to change up my neural pathways. The negative thoughts had become all I could basically think, because repeated thinking of them had made it easier for my brain to replay them. These pathways were strengthened by the same thinking for nearly 15 years. My brain had become a dark place. The good news? She said I could work to change this. She told me to stop myself immediately when I started thinking badly about myself or my situation, and say or think a positive thought instead. Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, helped me a lot during this transformative time. It is chock-full of affirmations that helped me to change the way I think. I’ve said affirmations or mantras every day of my life since then. I always want to be increasing my positive energy because I know how easy it is for me to get those negative patterns going once they begin. I stop myself still today. Negative thoughts still happen. Probably every day. But I have a new life now and one I very much would like to keep, you see. So I keep working at it. Every. Damn. Day. Because so much has changed. I have changed. I love life. I see it as the greatest blessing, to be here, a spirit dwelling in human form. I was able to change so much over the years through recovery and seeking out things that spoke to my soul. I LOVE spiritual work. I’m obsessed with spiritual growth, actually. And I’m fine with that because reading about the spirit brings me a lot of joy and hope, and that is something this gal needs to survive. Thrive.

Thrive. A beautiful word, isn’t it? One practice that has helped me to do so, is looking for the good in shitty situations. And if you are a human being, you know those are relatively abundant. Here’s an example from the other week: I was at a cheap pizza place on a Saturday evening. Not as crazy as a Friday would be, mind you, but still packed with hungry people wanting fast food. The young woman taking orders and running the register could not have been older than 18, but she worked that counter like a boss. Like with total confidence and calm. I was in awe of her because my 41 year old ass was getting totally stressed out at how busy it was getting and there were customers getting nasty. I felt so bad for this young lady. But you know what? She didn’t need my sympathy. She was just fine. She handled the pressure, and the assholes, with ease and grace. There were some middle aged men speaking angrily about her, saying, “she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t even know her name at this point.” Awful, right? And you know what I thought to myself? I thought that this teenager is here working her ass off on a Saturday night when she could be out drinking and getting high. She’s alone at the front counter with 10 moody adults waiting impatiently for their $5 pizza pies, and she’s being kind. Gracious. Helpful. All with a smile on her beautiful face. I could have easily gotten sucked into the rabbit hole of complaining and criticizing, but that doesn’t feel good to me anymore. It felt good to look at that employee and see her for what she really is, a goddamn rockstar. In almost every situation we find ourselves, there are two ways our thoughts can go: up or down, half full or half empty, good or bad. When I went to the counter to get my kid’s pizza, I told this employee that she was amazing and handling the chaos way better than I ever could. She smiled and said, “Thank you. This is nothing compared to last night,” and then she laughed and wished me goodnight. Our perceptions can change and they can change the way we feel. I want to feel good, so I keep working at changing how I think. It’s a never-ending task, but I think it’s worth the effort. My life has become increasingly joyful thanks to this practice. The mind is something to cultivate for a lifetime. Never stop growing. Never stop changing. Never stop trying. Being human is so very messy, but there is a lot of love, joy, beauty and magic out there. Look for it. Turn something shitty into something super by changing the way you think about it. Your mind is so powerful. Be conscious. Be intentional. Your life moves in the direction of your thoughts, so think well, my friends, and see how everything changes.

Love and Blessings!