Woke up to some more sad news today. Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. A few days ago it was Kate Spade. I just keep reading about how we can never know what’s going on in someone’s head, and that’s the scariest thing of all. When two extremely successful, influential creative artists of life decide to kill themselves, how can we not be affected? I didn’t know Anthony Bourdain, and it’s been a long time since I’ve even watched him on tv, but his energy reached my heart. You could feel his fundamental goodness. He traveled the world and talked with so many people. He lived a life of connection, and yet he still chose to end his own life. He was working. In love. Doing his thing. But there was still a darkness he could not escape. Those of us who suffer from depression, addiction, chronic pain, or any kind of debilitating mental illness or physical disease, can experience periods of time where all hope is lost. Death seems like the only way out. But it’s not. That is why we are mourning so deeply for these beautiful people. Life can be so dark. So very, very dark. I know a lot of people who attempted suicide and some who have succeeded. Those who have attempted and survived? Let me tell you. They are so very happy that they did. So grateful. They are survivors of the darkness and light shines from them once again. It’s possible for any one to get to the other side of sadness and hopelessness. It is not forever. It is a season of human life. I am so grateful for the people who helped me in my darkest days, but you know what? They wouldn’t have been able to help if I hadn’t told them what was going on with me. I had to share my pain. I had to share the twisted shit going on in my head so that someone else could sit with me and my pain and we could start to find a way out. Together.

My heart breaks for the the family and friends of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I shed tears for them and I never even met them. How deep must the hurt be for those lucky enough to share their actual lives with these amazing people? What gets me is that, as a fan of Anthony Bourdain, I saw him as a special kind of human. He shared his love, his light, his curiosity, his stories, his perspectives, his energy, all of it, with such a warm and open heart. That a spirit like his could come to such a violent end confuses me and I want so badly to understand so that we can stop this from happening again and again and again. I don’t want to hear about humans killing themselves. This world is a dark place, for sure, but there is also goodness, beauty and light. Sometimes, things get the absolute worst right before they start to get better. You just gotta hold on. We gotta hold on. Please reach out to someone if you feel like you can’t go on anymore. I am here to say that you can. You will. You must. You don’t believe it, but your absence will crush and devastate those you think will be better off without you. No one is better off without you.

The brain can lie to us. It tells us things until we believe it, but for some reason, it always wants us to believe the shitty things about ourselves. My brain never wants me to love myself unconditionally. It tells me that I’m fat, I’m stupid, I have no purpose, I’m a loser, I’m going nowhere, and lots of other negative crap. But my heart? My spirit? There’s a warrior inside me. A warrior who battles every single day. Because I want to be here. This life is a gift. It is a chance for us to grow and change and love and experience the magic of being human. Some days are darker than others, but the days full of light and love? My heart could literally burst from all the pure love and joy. I would never have gotten to feel all of this had my life ended early due to alcohol, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. I feel like my brain wanted me dead from the time I turned 13 until the day I got sober at 27. Somehow I carried on. Trudged my way through the pure shit of life and I made it. For now. (Thanks to grace and angels on earth).

A friend commented on my instagram post about Anthony Bourdain, and she said, “I knew he battled demons, but I really believed him when he said he overcame them.” Unfortunately, the thing about demons (whatever they may be), is that they never really leave. They are always a part of us. I don’t think we are ever completely free of them. That’s why in sobriety we are taught that our recovery is dependent on daily spiritual maintenance. I spent many hours and days devoted to drinking and messing up my life. I can find 20-30 minutes a day to meditate, write, walk, or read something uplifting. I am devoted to life in this moment. I want to live today. I actually want to live to be 100 because I think that would be pretty awesome. I no longer dream of death. Only life. And because I want to keep living and sharing life with those I love, I do the work. Every. Single. Day. That’s how I keep going. And these days, I go joyfully. Hopefully.

I know a lot of our hearts are heavy with grief this week. I’m sure many of us have friends or loved ones who have taken their own lives, and the deaths of Anthony and Kate may stir up feelings and memories for many. Whatever comes up for you. Feel it. Don’t stuff it down. Cry the tears. Let the pain come. For it is only when we allow the emotions to come that we can start to let them go.

Love, light and healing to all.