I have been doing yoga on and off for about the last 20 years. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it. I wanna do yoga forever and become an instructor. I never wanna do another chaturanga as long as I fucking live. Yes, this is pretty much how my personal relationship with yoga has gone over the years. I fall in and out of love with it. Over and over and over again. I always plan to keep up my practice, but eventually, it all turns stale and crusty like an old piece of Ezekiel bread, and I walk away from my mat. I find other ways to workout when I am not into yoga. I run, walk, lift weights, do online cardio workouts, etc. I know myself and if there is one thing I need for my mental health and stability, it’s to move this body and sweat regularly. It’s a must. Like 5-6 days a week. It doesn’t always have to be a long, drawn out session, mind you. Often, 30 minutes of intense exercise is plenty. Hooray.

As I think back on my relationship with yoga, it’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly where everything falls apart. I think I get really into it, my poses progress, and I find myself getting stronger and more flexible. All is going well and I can even do some poses that I could never do before. I’ll never forget how psyched I was the first time I got myself into pincha pose. My energy was through the roof. I felt so high I thought I might start levitating. It was exhilarating. It was definitely one hell of a natural high. But the funny thing about highs is that they can often be followed by lows. And I have a long history with lows. I’m kind of a pro, actually. When I start getting frustrated and don’t think that I’m progressing fast enough, I tend to want to shut down. And with yoga, that means rolling up the ole’ mat and sticking it in the corner. I get stuck. And for me, getting stuck has always meant stopping my practice, instead of working through the sludge of the process. Basically, I’m a quitter.

I just recently renewed my vows to yoga, and I’ve stayed true for the last two months. Things between us are great. Fresh and breezy. I’m feeling good. My energy is up. I am feeling strong and flexible, and finding some new yoga videos online. There is officially flow. I have hope for our future. Yoga on the beach. Yoga out back. Maybe even committing to an actual studio. The possibilities are endless, and I’m praying that yoga and me are too. I want this to work out so badly. I mean, yoga has been around for thousands of years, so there’s obviously a good reason for that. Right? So why can’t I ever stick around? Stay committed? God, how I frustrate myself.

Well, I think there’s something different this time around, and that’s the motivation behind my decision to pick the mat up again. Over Christmas Break, I was reading Material Girl, Mystical World, by Ruby Warrington. This book is a super fun, enlightening read on all things spiritual and woo woo. And anyone who knows me, knows how much I dig anything woo woo. The Skeptic’s Dictionary defines “woo woo” as anything “concerned with emotions, mysticism or spiritualism; other than rational or scientific; mysterious; new agey.” Yup, right up my alley. I’m a firm believer in the power of intuition and going with my gut when it comes to making a decision. When I read something and it “feels right” with my soul, I just add it to my spiritual toolkit. My spiritual toolkit is made up of all of the practices and knowledge that I’ve read, tried and learned over the years.  It’s like my body literally stores the Truths it discovers along the way in my cells. I really think my soul and body are very good friends, despite my ego trying to sabotage my spiritual journey at all costs. (Big Jerk). The ego is not really a jerk, but we’ll save that one for another day.

Back to Ruby and how she snapped me out of my 2 year yoga hiatus. She talked about her own struggle with yoga over the years, and I totally related to that. She talked about her eating disorder, which I could also relate to. You see, for me, yoga has been a way to look good and change my body, while, of course, being good for my soul, yada yada yada. But I tended to focus on how my body was looking over time, and was I ever gonna get into freaking crow pose, dammit? I found myself getting frustrated when I didn’t think I was progressing far enough, fast enough. I compared myself to the practices of others’ and felt like a loser who would never break through her current plateau. So, I said to myself, “this is boring and repetitive,” and went on to enjoy other forms of weight training and cardio for about 2 years. The yoga light in me was mostly extinguished, but not fully, I’m happy to say. You see, when Ruby reminded me that yoga was a spiritual practice, I really HEARD that. I always overlooked that part of the practice before. I think it was more of an ego trip for me. But when I was reading her words, I just felt that in my soul, deeply and sincerely. You just never know when you might really be ready to hear a message. Like, in your heart. Not just your head. There is a definite difference, trust me. When Ruby talked about yoga being a way to connect to your “life force,” I was just like, “Hell yeah, sister! Where’s my mat?!” Ruby’s chapter, Confessions of a Reluctant Yogi is one of my favorite chapters. Probably because of my long, winding 20 year long relationship with yoga. It’s been one heck of a process. I’m so excited to be back on my nasty old purple mat that is falling apart and leaves purple rubber crumbs all over my carpet. It’s not in the best shape, but does the job, kind of like me.

I think my deepest issue with yoga was that I was worried that I was wasting the precious time I could be doing “real” cardio that would help transform my body a bit quicker, which was WAY more important. Duh. I never thought I was burning enough calories to make a difference. Well, I am now able to see the folly of my thinking. While I love a good cardio session, my soul is deserving of some attention, too. Yoga is a way to connect to my spirit. My energy. It goes a lot deeper than my ass and abs, and I’m ready for that. FINALLY. So this year, I am committing to a regular practice of yoga (as a spiritual practice), which means getting on my mat at least 6 days a week, even if its for only 10 minutes. Dedication and devotion. Two very big words. Especially, for a quitter like me.

Bottom line? I’m doing yoga for my soul and my soul is diggin’ it.  (Thank you, Ruby Warrington) Maybe you’ll get out your old mat and see what unfolds. I’d love to hear about your sordid yoga past, so feel free to share your thoughts!

Namaste!